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Speaker 1
Hi [Speaker 2]! How are you?
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Speaker 2
Hi, [Speaker 1]. It’s nice to chat with you again. I’m doing okay. How are you doing?
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Speaker 1
Nice to chat again with you too. We’ll strive to improve “okay” in this chat. I’m under the weather but otherwise not bad at all!
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Speaker 2
Thank you and I appreciate it. I understand you.
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Speaker 2
I’m feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed.
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Speaker 1
What’s going on?
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Speaker 2
The reason is that I had met this guy on an app meant to help you meet others from all over the world and become “pen pals.” Well, he is from Spain and is a year older than me but he’s bisexual and I’m gay. So, we had similar interests in being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Well, we had matched and spent almost a whole year exchanging digital letters on that one app.
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Speaker 2
Well, after about ten months of us communicating and even having exchanged our real information and pictures of one another, I had decided I wanted to leave the app because someone else was stalking me on there. I had asks him if we could exchange instagram and chat on there. I also had developed romantic feelings for him, as he had kinda given me some mixed signals back then, but well, he had said that he didn’t develop feelings for me and would need a lot More than some text messages to develop feelings. The mixed signals he gave me were back then
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Speaker 1
What kind of signals?
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Speaker 2
he had asked me what my most intimate and private moments of my love life were and he wanted to know the details. This made me think he may have liked me more than a friend but i wasn’t sure
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Speaker 1
Yeah that definitely moves over into the more than friends zone
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Speaker 2
Basically, i got the idea that he wanted to know about my sex experiences
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Speaker 2
Right?
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Speaker 1
Yeah, he’s either trying to feed some fantasy or kink of his or he’s signaling he wants more
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Speaker 2
What else could be more private and intimate in one’s love life than sex?
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Speaker 2
Exactly
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Speaker 1
It is an act of intimacy - not the only one but the one that gets the most attention for sure
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Speaker 2
Well, he had also told me his most intimate moments of his love life. Soon after, i had asked him if he liked me more than a friend but he said that he didn’t develop romantic feelings for me and would need more than text messages to develop feelings for anyone and even said that he had never fallen in love with anyone nor had he been in a romantic relationship, he’s only had some sexual encounters with people and a friends-with-benefits situation with a roommate he used to have
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Speaker 2
Definitely, I agree
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Speaker 2
He had told Me he was sorry if his questions had misled me into thinking he was romantically interested in me and that if there was anything he could do to help me feel better, he would do it without hesitation.
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Speaker 1
🚩🚩🚩
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Speaker 1
It sounds like he has some emotional growth he needs to pursue
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Speaker 1
For some reason he’s not ready to let someone in beyond a physical level
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Speaker 2
I agree but what led you to that conclusion, if you don’t mind me asking?
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Speaker 1
Him never have been in a romantic relationship and keeping things strictly sexual - that tells me he’s afraid to experience emotional intimacy
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Speaker 1
*having been
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Speaker 2
This is very difficult for me because he is the one person I think I have developed strong feelings for and maybe even love
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Speaker 1
Aw [Speaker 2] 🥺
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Speaker 2
Wow, that is a good catch. I did not even realize it. I could never figure him out because he’s so responsible, caring, empathetic, understanding, intelligent, etc. lol
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Speaker 2
He is a teacher and works with students
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Speaker 1
He might want that too - I mean a year of correspondence isn’t a small thing. But sounds like he needs to work on himself first.
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Speaker 2
He’s 26
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Speaker 2
I’m 25
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Speaker 1
He sounds like a good catch otherwise
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Speaker 2
Right, I agree. Well, there were some updates . I had asked him about us exchanging our instagrams and i was so excited to connect with him a little more and then i received his letter, day later. I read and he stated that he didn’t feel comfortable allowing me to be on his instagram because he would feel exposed since he’s told me intimate and private information that he hasn’t told anyone else ever. He didn’t want me to see who he follows and thought it would be best to keep the connection strictly pen pal and on that app. Then, he had told me he wanted to try dating again in his area (he moved from Spain to the U.K. Because he didn’t want anyone to know him and he wanted to start a new life). So, he asked, since i had experience in relationships, if i could teach him how to be in a relationship and how to experience love.
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Speaker 2
I was heartbroken and cried. I couldn’t, i didn’t even have strength to reply to him anymore. I took days to recover but couldn’t reply to him. I was too sad. I unfriended him and left.
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Speaker 1
From rejection to bestie is a helluva transition!
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Speaker 2
IT was a lot 💔
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Speaker 1
Yeah he obviously don’t place a lot of value in his online relationships. This is the same with catfish, trolls - they think the online world is some faraway place, as if real people aren’t behind the screen names. And they think that gives them license to just behave recklessly
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Speaker 1
I’m so sorry to hear that [Speaker 2]!
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Speaker 2
Thank you, [Speaker 1]. ❤️
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Speaker 1
It also sounds like he’s living a secret life - has he never had a romantic relationship at all or just with guys?
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Speaker 2
Four months had passed and I felt that maybe I should have given him an explanation and not just left him like that . I decided to let him back on my friend list and saw that he had sent me a letter three weeks after i left. It read that he felt that i had been upset with him over him not wanting to share his instagram with me and that if that was the case, for me to please let him know because he did not want to do anything to hurt or upset me. He said he missed communicating with me and sharing details about his life to me and that I’m a wonderful person and he doesn’t want to lose a friend like me. He said he hopes that I will allow him to be a part of my life.
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Speaker 2
It absolutely does. He said he hasn’t been in a relationship at all with men or women but that there have been times he’s developed feelings for people but they were never strong enough for him to do something about it
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Speaker 1
Sounds like there is something blocking him from being vulnerable enough to be open to the idea of being in love
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Speaker 1
That’s brave of you to go back and seek closure after being hurt by this guy
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Speaker 2
He had said that he was very insecure and that it was hard for him to put himself out there like that
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Speaker 2
Thank you. It was hard but I finally had the strength to reply to him.
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Speaker 1
Well that’s good he’s aware about himself in that regard. But it also sounds like an excuse.
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Speaker 1
Can be hard to put yourself out there when you’re closeted :-/
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Speaker 2
I sent him that letter once and for all. I said that i apologize for having just disappeared from his life from one day to the next and that he didn’t deserve that treatment. I said i left because i was heartbroken from him not wanting me in his close friend circle / instagram and that it seemed to me that he didn’t see any value in me in being more than just a simple pen pal and with that, decided to keep me as such without any interest in us becoming friends outside of the app. I said he could ket the instagram situation the way it was, i didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. I also said that i missed him
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Speaker 2
Maybe I shouldn’t have exposed myself or revealed myself so much but i just wanted to be honest and tell him how I really felt
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Speaker 2
That’s very true. He said he wasn’t closeted but that could have been a lie
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Speaker 1
You were unintentionally showing him how to love - being open and honest even if it could hurt you again
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Speaker 1
And showing a lot of maturity - admitting you could have handled it better and being very truthful about your feelings - lots of older adults can’t do that
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Speaker 2
It hurt a lot for him to treat me like that after almost a whole year of us talking and it took me leaving because i was hurt but also because i felt he wasn’t valuing me, for him to change his tone
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Speaker 1
The instagram situation is very sus
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Speaker 2
What do you think that is due to?
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Speaker 1
Some people don’t realize what they’ve got til it’s gone
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Speaker 2
I hope this doesn’t turn into a situation where he loses track of his life because of me. I don’t think i hold that much significance in his life but who knows
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Speaker 2
100% true
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Speaker 1
My guess from him wanting to leave his home country to date freely - sounds like many other queer people who are either closeted or not safe to be out in their homeland. And then him saying he doesn’t want you to see his followers (or for other people to see you amongst his followers) - sounds like he is trying to separate his real life from a very different secret online life
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Speaker 1
Even if that were to happen it would not be your fault. It would just be him trying to lay blame elsewhere for his own emotional stunted growth
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Speaker 2
That’s a good catch. Wow. I hope he isn’t like that because then i wouldn’t forgive him and leave permanently
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Speaker 2
Absolutely
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Speaker 1
I hope for your sake he isn’t but be prepared in case it is
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Speaker 2
If he had a double secret life where his “real” life is straight guy and his online life is gay where he probably doesn’t even take it seriously, I would leave him in a heartbeat and tell him what i think of him
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Speaker 1
Yes! And he might need to hear that!
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Speaker 1
He’s missing out by not being brave enough to deal with his own internalized homophobia
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Speaker 1
It’s not an easy thing by any stretch but sometimes you need that jolt to wake up and realize what you have to gain is much more than what you think you have to lose
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Speaker 2
The way he made it sound to me from the context and everything is that because he told me how he never fell in love and that he had sexual encounters with a couple people where he traveled to, that he had not told anyone else because his friends in real life are heterosexual and wouldn’t care to hear about his gay sexual encounters and maybe he felt shame to tell them and that me being on instagram, i would see … Yes, i would see how he changes from one life to the other secret one
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Speaker 2
Wow
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Speaker 2
If he is playing around, i will be so shocked
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Speaker 2
He receives my letter in an hour
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Speaker 1
Yeah he’s even too closeted to hookup with people in his own country! Too afraid of being outed. Smh
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Speaker 2
He said that he was okay with me being on his instagram after i left and he saw it bothered me
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Speaker 1
Sheesh
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Speaker 2
Wow, you’re right! Gosh! That sounds like it’s the case
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Speaker 1
Don’t settle for okay. But do look for signs to confirm your suspicions. Because him only having straight friends that are not cool with his queerness = 🚩
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Speaker 2
You’re absolutely right
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Speaker 2
From my stance now, I’m going to be more expressive and not afraid to tell him or show him how i feel, if he hurts me again. I’m wondering if he does have feelings for me but is trying to ease into that topic, if he asks me out. Do you think it’s the case or am i just being delusional?
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Speaker 1
I love that you lead with your heart but I also don’t want to see you further hurt by this guy! I think he’s not ready to be out and will still keep you at arm’s distance until he starts coming out “in real life”
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Speaker 2
Thank you ❤️ and so, you don’t think he truly likes me more than a friend?
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Speaker 2
You think it’s just maybe sexual attraction?
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Speaker 1
Like idk what he’s said to the other folks he has hooked up with in other countries, but you may not be the first to experience this with him
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Speaker 1
Well he may actually like you more than a friend but him being closeted and emotionally distant won’t let him allow those feelings to mature.
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Speaker 1
Or even be acknowledged
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Speaker 2
You’re right. When he told me he was sorry about misleading me, he said if there was anything he could do to hep me feel better, to let him know, be would do anything
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Speaker 2
It let me feel that he was hoping i would maybe ask for nudes or something
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Speaker 1
It sounds like that’s what he’s online for, but since you’ve been talking for a year he might have surprised himself if your conversation has deepened beyond sexual encounters
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Speaker 2
Yeah
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Speaker 1
Eek! Is that how he handles wanting to feel better?!
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Speaker 2
Wow! You’ve caught so many things. Yes, that makes sense! That’s what he’s probably online for. I can’t believe you figured him out in this chat when i couldn’t in a year
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Speaker 2
I’m very gullible
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Speaker 2
I think so. It seemed like it .
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Speaker 2
I could be wrong, that’s just what i felt
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Speaker 1
Nah you are just younger - you will realize these things too in time
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Speaker 1
Trust your gut - there’s a reason you felt that
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Speaker 2
I hope so. In this connection, do you think he is a guy who is worth considering at this point and seeing if he dos ask me out or is he just a playboy?
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Speaker 1
Honestly I think he is not worth your time. Find someone local (or less distance) who is out and is not going to sideline you to lead a double life
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Speaker 1
If he did ask you out I’m concerned it would just be for sex and he would be careless with your heart
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Speaker 2
Okay, you’re right. If he does ask me out and confess a love, i know it’s a big if, do i accept him or decide to just stay friends?
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Speaker 2
Ah, okay. You’re right
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Speaker 1
If he hasn’t changed anything else then I would be skeptical about his love confession
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Speaker 2
What would it take for me to consider him? What should i require he do for me to even consider him? I’m very bad at knowing what to require
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Speaker 1
He needs to love himself enough to be honest about who he is first. Or he can never really love anyone else fully
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Speaker 2
Okay, so, once he comes out and accepts himself as bisexual or gay openly in real life and not just online, then i can see that he may be serious?
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Speaker 1
I would want to see him show signs that he is blending his online life and his real life. Or introducing you to his real friends - that would take courage and show that he is taking you seriously.
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Speaker 1
I think that is a major sign. Everyone has their own journey to coming out but I think the more closeted you are, the more likely it is to hurt people along the way
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Speaker 2
That is a great tip. I’m not going to get my hopes up with him anymore at this point but I’m taking it one day at a time and if he does like me, i know what to look for to see that he is serious and healthy
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Speaker 2
Can I screenshot the tip you gave for what i should look for to know he’s serious?
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Speaker 1
Absolutely!
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Speaker 2
Thank you ❤️
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Speaker 1
Of course!
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Speaker 2
I know now what to look for in case that it does go that route.
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Speaker 2
I don’t know how he’ll react when he reads the letter because it has been 3 months since i last talked to him but the way he seemed, he seemed to be missing me and hoping for my return, so maybe he’ll be happy to hear from me.
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Speaker 1
Yeah I’m sure he will be - but to what end is the question. Will it be enough for him to seriously consider your feelings? If not, invest your time elsewhere.
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Speaker 2
That’s true. He knows my feelings for him already. He just said that he hasn’t developed strong feelings for anyone and basically would need to spend time with him in person for him to see if he develops feelings for me
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Speaker 1
Yeah that also tells me his online world is very separate from his real world. He may also be guarding himself from catfish too - maybe one travel encounter gone wrong if this is his MO.
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Speaker 1
So it could be that or he needs physical attraction and sex to consider a relationship to be serious.
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Speaker 1
Again sounds like he has some maturing to do to understand emotional intimacy, and his being closeted won’t let him introspect enough to deal with where he needs to develop as a person
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Speaker 2
You’re absolutely right. I understand that he’s in a hard place now emotionally and for some reason, is attached to me and doesn’t want to let me go
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Speaker 2
That was another thing that I was wondering. I wonder why he hold me to a point in which he doesn’t seem to be at peace if I’m not there? He said he missed me and didn’t want to lose me
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Speaker 2
It didn’t feel like something a friend would say, right?
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Speaker 2
I mean, maybe, but probably not unless we were like best friends
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Speaker 1
Yeah it definitely crosses over from the friend zone - but in his digital life not in his “real” life.
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Speaker 1
Exactly - I totally support platonic friends expressing how much they mean to each other but it doesn’t sound like that’s what this is
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Speaker 2
You’re right and that’s all due to his not being out. Do you think I should get on his instagram after all and see or just not?
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Speaker 2
Yes, he changed the tone of our connection back then when he asked about my most private and intimate moments of my love life
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Speaker 1
I think if it brings you answers and satisfies your curiosity, go ahead. But don’t allow any new questions it raises to take you further down a rabbit hole.
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Speaker 1
Yeah I don’t discuss this in explicit detail with friends - and anything I share with besties is more excitement about another person, not a salacious play by play.
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Speaker 2
You’re right. I’ll let him be the one to make these steps on his own accord because that will show me that he wants to share his real life with me and not only doing it because i ask
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Speaker 1
Yeah that to me will show some real growth on his part!
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Speaker 2
Absolutely! It was very much out of place for our connection.
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Speaker 2
Do you have any tips or advice for me to keep when going back to this connection with him?
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Speaker 1
Good question - just look for signs he is willing to open up and start bridging the gap between his two lives. And you can be honest about your suspicions he’s living a double life and see if he is honest about that too. If he’s still denying it (with no evidence to back his claims) he’s still not ready to take this relationship seriously
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Speaker 1
So just keep that in mind if you choose to communicate with him further
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Speaker 1
And remember the time you are spending here could be spent with someone who is ready to scream that they love you from the rooftops
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Speaker 1
Because that’s the kind of love you deserve!
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Speaker 2
Aww, you’re right ❤️🥰
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Speaker 2
Thank you for these tips, I appreciate them and will keep them. I think, if he replies, we will address this matter more now (the instagram situation) and i want to see how he acts with this and how he reacts to knowing how deeply he hurt me , treating me like that.
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Speaker 1
I’m sure he will be apologetic but his actions will speak louder :)
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Speaker 1
And no worries - I hope the tips help!
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Speaker 2
I’m very scared to go through this because of how he makes me feel, i have these feelings for him, but i will be strong and hold him accountable
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Speaker 1
And you are well within your right to say this is too emotionally taxing for you to deal with because your feelings for him are strong whereas his are lukewarm at best. And for that reason you are going no contact to protect yourself from further hurt
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Speaker 2
Absolutely. I think I can keep him as a friend but as he treats me, I will treat him accordingly. I mean, the whole point of the pen pal app is to meet and create friendships and maybe more so him acting stagnant is very backwards.
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Speaker 2
But if he decides to stay on there and not expand past pen pal, i will know to just treat him as another pen pal and that he seems to be on the superficial side and not really looking for a meaningful connection that grows and develops
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Speaker 1
Yeah friendships and romantic relationships both take work. Just make sure you know how he views yours - digital only or real
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Speaker 2
Yes, that is wonderful advice. You’re absolutely right. I will see if he takes me seriously as in “real life” or “online.”
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Speaker 1
I hope you find someone who can fill your emotional cup! ❤️
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Speaker 2
Thank you ❤️ It’s been difficult but I’m keeping the hope.
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Speaker 1
That’s the spirit!
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Speaker 2
Thank you so much for chatting with me and giving me those wonderful tips, [Speaker 1]. You’ve really helped me and gave me an understanding that this connection may not be what I thought it was and could be something completely different
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Speaker 2
I appreciate you ❤️❤️❤️
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Speaker 1
Of course [Speaker 2]! I’m glad it helped 🤗
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Speaker 2
I’m going to be very careful with this connection and guard myself. I’m not moving one thing unless he proves himself and that he is serious about me being part of his real life.
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Speaker 1
That’s right - hold firm on what you will and will not accept - and stringing you along is unacceptable!
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Speaker 2
Absolutely 🙏🏼❤️
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Speaker 2
Thank you so much, [Speaker 1]. Do you mind if I reach back out to update you on what happens with him in a few days?
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Speaker 1
Absolutely - yes fill me in on how it goes! I will be rooting for you!
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Speaker 2
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
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Speaker 2
I am wishing you a wonderful night and day and happy holidays ❤️❤️❤️🎄🎄🎄
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Speaker 1
You’re most welcome!
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Speaker 2
Wishing you a merry Christmas 🎄🎄🎄
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Speaker 1
You too [Speaker 2] - have a happy joyful holiday season!
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Speaker 1
Merry Christmas!
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Speaker 2
Merry Christmas to you as well ❤️❤️❤️
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Speaker 1
Have a great night!
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Speaker 2
Thank you, you too ❤️
Anonymisation Summary
PII Types Detected
Name: 8
Masked PII Instances
[Speaker 1]
[Speaker 2]
Total PII instances masked: 2
Speakers
Speaker 1
Medical Practitioner
Speaker 2
Customer